As my 25th year came to a close, I decided to check something off of my bucket list: a juicing detox diet. When I looked into local juiceries (is that the correct term?), I realized fulfilling this dream of mine would set me back a couple hundred bucks. For juice. Um, no good. Then, as fate would have it, I got an email from Groupon informing me of a four day juice cleanse that would only cost me $75. Between my trips to Mrs. Winston’s salad bar, my
occasional frequent frappuccino indulgence, and my Whole Foods hot bar habit, I’m basically almost spending that anyway, so I decide to spring for it.
After scheduling my juice cleanse at Extract (there was about a month back-up due to the Groupon’s popularity), I promptly enter it into my calendar and forget about it. Cut to: the day before my cleanse, when a reminder pops up on my phone. Surprise cleanse! That is probably the best approach to a cleanse anyway. I frantically consume lots of potatoes and Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups in preparation.
The Details: Four day cleanse, with four juices and one detox tea per day. I also get one raw foods snack per day: dried oats, carrots, and celery are on the menu.
Weight: While I’m not doing the cleanse necessarily to lose weight, it would be um, okay, I guess, if I did lose weight. I start the cleanse at…eep! 134. My “happy place” (aka what my acting resume says) is about 125 (I’m 5’6”), so it’d be cool to shed nine lbs in four days. Just saying.
It’s hard to stay away from coffee this morning. I started drinking coffee pretty regularly (in small quantities) about a year ago. The office is cold this morning and that java smell is permeating throughout the building. Also, I had to walk past a Starbucks just to pick my cleanse up. Also, my building is right next to a Coffee Bean. Temptation catcalls, but I ignore it.
The first juice is pretty tasty. A little sweet for my taste, so I consider adding lots of cayenne pepper once I get home. In an office full of girls, news of my cleanse gets around pretty fast, and people start checking in on me and offering advice. I welcome the attention, as I figure the more people I tell about it, the more obligated I will feel to fulfill the cleanse. One person tells me (with all the seriousness with which a premed student might tell you that you need to get a mole checked out) I need to go and get myself a drybrush as my lymphatic system is very delicate during juicing and can be stimulated by roughing my skin up a bit. I’m intrigued.
As lunch rolls around, I realize I depend on food emotionally as I start to get that sad feeling that happens in my stomach right before I cry when I think about how there is no lunch to look forward to. But then Darius Rucker starts blasting in my headphones as I pop open my second bottle of juice and my mood lifts a bit. The remainder of the day is a roller coaster emotionally, as I experience the Doldrums, outrage (forgetting that the cleanse was self-imposed), and jealousy at the sight of solid, sodium-filled food others are consuming.
Then I ate an avocado. Which I feel like might be okay, because it’s raw and good for me and I’m pretty sure it’s always included on lists of “superfoods” which are obviously essential to my well-being. What’s maybe not okay is the soy sauce I dribble all over its green flesh. I then eat a spoonful of hummus straight from the container. Then I pull myself together and have a detox tea, play some Enya, run a detox bath, and consider slathering my entire body in coconut oil. I’m clearly not in the best place mentally, but my heart is in it, and there’s no turning back on my juicing detox diet now.
…to be continued.